OB-GYN With Dog-Nose Veeraswamy Krishnaraj http://www.myindiastories.com/DoctorWithDogNose.html
I am an obstetrician in a multispecialty clinic run
by the hospital. Yes, the hospital pays me a handsome salary. I have
three OB-GYN associates with me. Four of us take calls and attend
emergencies every fourth day and every fourth weekend. I consider I am
lucky. I know of OB-GYNs on call every day, every night, every weekend…
When you don’t show up to attend the patient in the hospital ER, you
invariably lose that patient to the newly minted OB-GYN, who camps
outside the hospital and just hangs around in the hospital, when he or she
is not in the office. Though the patients register with the individual
doctor as private patients, it is invariable they get seen by the other
doctors on off-days. Three
of us are available in the clinic during day time for four weekdays. In
an emergency, one of us take a walk to the ER to attend the emergency
case knowing well that the patients in the clinic waiting room will be
attended to by the other two. We serve indigent patients in a high crime
neighborhood. Safety is a
concern. We have retired or off-duty police officers serving as security
guards. They don’t carry guns in the premises. They have good idea of
who is who entering the premises. A retired war dog serves as a sniffer
for contrabands like guns, narcotics… We developed a special
relationship with the dog. It always gives each of us a welcome bark,
when we enter the building. We reward the dog special treats. When the dog barks, we hear it in the examination
room. He was a sergeant in the
military. It raises the paw and we always salute the dog at the entrance. I saw a patient one day the wife of a colleague of
mine, a gastroenterologist.
As she walked into the examination room, I congratulated her on her first
pregnancy. Patient: What do you mean, I am pregnant? Me: Believe me dear, you are. Patient: I had been to the internist. My husband
does not think I am pregnant. Me: Yes, you are. You can wait until the baby bump
shows up or we can diagnose your pregnancy with a test. Patient: You did not even examine me. How do you
know? Are you clairvoyant? I know her personally and professionally. A test
was done and it was positive for pregnancy. Me: Dear, the test shows you are pregnant. I gave her a quick examination and sent her on her
way to the nurse practitioner to receive prenatal instructions… How did I know she was pregnant? We trained the war dog to sniff the patient from a
safe distance, so that the patient is not offended. The dog lies beside
the security guard. We trained the dog to raise the tail and keep it
upright for a few seconds, when it smells pregnancy.
Other elaborate dog gestures were taught to the dog to diagnose
cancer in various parts of the body. Once a urologist diagnosed bladder cancer with the help of the dog. Many other cancers were diagnosed by the war dog. With such diagnostic skills, he was part of the team. We appended M.D. at the end of his name.
I was hit with an epiphany. Why not inject myself with the stem cells from
the nose of the dog? That should do it. My olfactory sense will be up to
snuff and rival the dog.
Now a switch to the third person.
In a
reckless experimental abandon, the doctor injected himself with the
stem cells from the nose of the dog. Over several months, the doctor
trained himself by the nose to diagnose pregnancy, uterine cancer, ovarian cancer…
by secretly and discreetly smelling the patients at a professional
distance. He knows one condition from the other distinctly. He never
told his secret to anyone else.
One day a woman walked in with the presenting complaint of sterility.
He consulted with his gnostic nose on the diagnosis. The beak
spoke to him. Several OB-GYNs were at their wit’s end to make a
diagnosis. He never looked down his nose on other doctors. There was no
whiff of female hormones emanating from her. She had widely separated
eyes with otherwise normal female habitus. He put his nose to the
grindstone and came up with the diagnosis: 46,XX/47,XXX mosaic. The lab
test clinched the diagnosis. Genetic counselling was offered to the
young patient. He does not jump the gun and tell the patient the diagnosis, as she steps into his office. Yes, he follows the omniscient nose first. Sudden revelation of diagnosis upsets patients. Patients expect rightly a look of professionalism, delebration and concern from the doctor. He takes history, examines the patient and offers diagnosis and treatment like any OB-GYN. It is Rhinodiagnosis. He goes through the motions, expected of the OB-GYN. He never failed once to make the diagnosis correctly. His fame grew and no one knew his rhino-skills. No one knew it was the nose talking, the mouth just moving perfunctorily. He was declared the OB-GYN of the year and the decade. He did not turn up his nose at other doctors. The fame did not go to his head. And yet other doctors called him Nozzle Dazzle.
Some wags among the doctors called him the Gold Finger. No one knew of his
golden nose. His fame grew. Patients poured into his office in torrents.
What is he going to do? How was he going to handle the extra load?
The hospital employed additional Physician Assistants to service (history
and physical) the patients before the doctor himself examines them. The
PA gives the history and relevant physical exam findings to the doctor.
The doctor does a quick review and relevant exam and offers the
diagnosis and treatment in a few minutes. The wags appended the name
'Minuteman Doctor.' No one knew he smelt the case at the doorstep.
The hospital expanded the OB-GYN services, built a separate wing for
maternity and gynecological services and named it after the doctor.
The wags were at it again.
Now they call the doctor Gold Digger.
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